34,000 feet, somewhere above the Bering Sea, 9 hours in, and the kids behind me still haven't shut up. From the moment I entered the waiting area for Gate K17, I knew there would be trouble. Row after row of screaming toddlers and newborns inhabited the waiting area, all waiting for the same 13 hour flight that I was. Perhaps written somewhere on some calendar which I don't own, the date May 31 is “Take your infant or newborn to Tokyo Day,” or maybe it was pure coincidence, I fear I'll never know the true origins of this unfortunate phenomenon. I had been diverted from my original flight plan, which was an easy hop from Hartford to Chicago, then straight on till Shanghai. Somehow, the Gods had heard me boasting the night before how simple and painless the trip to Shanghai actually was, and thought that I needed a dose of reality. And as it turns out, reality comes in the form of not one, but two screaming sub-2-year-olds sitting directly behind me (belonging to the same set of absolutely clueless and inconsiderate parents). These kids must have been juiced, I mean, for a minion like this to scream for 9 hours (and counting), all the while finding the bottom of my seat a good supplement to soccer practice, that kid has to be a BALCO regular. After repeated glares and requests for silence directed at both of the minion wranglers, I took a walk around the plane to vent the air-rage that had been accumulating since somewhere over Lake Michigan and every other child trapped in this Daycare-in-the-sky with me was out like a light. The noise-reducing headphones I bought were sold to me through a clever advertisement which featured a woman sleeping comfortably, while sitting in front of a row of little fuckers producing the same decibel level as I'm no doubt experiencing. They aren't working as well as the ad promised. I venture to guess that this generation has built a resistance to the science which strives to stop them. But more likely, sometimes everyone is just unlucky. Speaking of a lack of luck, the guy next to me just spilled a glass of water near my computer and on my Ipod. Thankfully, both survived any obvious short term injuries and I'll chalk it up to an honest mistake. But the anti-Christ's behind me won't get off that easy, they are going to be the recipient of carefully-aimed angry sighs, dirty looks, and the occasional obscenity-laden cough for the rest of this ride. The flight still has 4 hours left, I fear other miseries will soon await. This has truly been, the flight from hell.