Despite analyst projections on DressMonkey being the world's largest corporation in 4 years with earnings exceeding the GDP of Kazakhstan, our current earnings situation (equal to the GDP of the Vatican City's gift shop, on a bad day) requires that we must combine our offices with our residences. In our US headquarters, Jeff conducts his daily DressMonkey tasks amid empty pizza boxes and socal hotties in his San Diego bachelor pad. I on the other hand sit amongst thousands of fabric samples, sweet and sour pork scraps, and a time conscious German Generalissimo who doesn't tolerate weakness.

There has been a lot of activity at our Shanghai branch, (aka, my domicile). I've been working pretty hard on gathering all our buttons, fabrics, tags, etc for MMM3, which means that a lot of kuaidi (express) guys have been knocking on my door at all hours of the day to deliver samples. I've had some interesting experiences with some of our kuai di's, some of them negative but most of them just plain weird. Here, I have ranked the top 3 in order of strangeness.

3. At Your Convenience: One thing I've noticed about these guys is that they don't seem to have an idea what a good time to deliver a package is. I know they are probably busy and work 15 hour days for 3 bucks a day or something, but there is nothing more annoying then getting a package at 6am on a Saturday, especially after the night before was spent "trying to stick it to the man" at Paulaner's Oktoberfest during an all you can drink binge (only 3 liters of beer and the ticket pays for itself, I approached the value of two tickets). He was greeted with a boxer-clad Coley who according to my German accomplice, smelled like a "beer bottle." I thought I smelled more like a beer bottle filled with cologne, but she kept her distance this morning, and rightfully so. The delivery guy may have learned his lesson, but my hangover from hell day started off on the wrong foot, because of a 6am rude awakening.

2. A Pleasant Surprise: I am a strict follower to the DressMonkey office dress code. If you rummage through our archives, you'll see that this essentially means boxer shorts and a 5 o'clock shadow. The delivery guys who come to the office/lair are often greeted by the sight of such a dress code. Some stand there in amazement (not of my physique, but their awe stems from the fact that they have never seen a foreigner in boxer shorts, at 5pm). Others have actually commented and one even suggested that the world would be a better place if all offices had such dress codes (seriously). Either he's a pervert or a genius, you be the judge.

1. Loogies and Fabric: A few days ago, a delivery guy came with a huge bail of fabric and trudged into my place with mud slicked shoes and an attitude. The guy in Shaoxing affirmed that there would be no extra charge for the fabric delivery, but apparently the delivery guy thought differently. He demanded additional money, and I told him to get the fuck out (in Chinese) about 40 times. He wouldn't leave, and all the while we were arguing, he kept spitting in the hallway, big and nasty loogies (I know its a "cultural thing" in China to spit but comeon! In a hallway!?). Eventually, I called the kuai di company and worked out a deal, but 10
loogies later, I was not happy and almost got into an altercation with the guy because he wouldn't stop spitting.